Hilltown Families

Just My Type: Tight Schedules

May 20, 2013 at 6:00 am (Contributing Writer, Rebecca Dravis)
Tags: Diabetes, Parenting, Raising a Child with Type One Diabetes, Type One Diabetes

Another year wiser?

The fact that it was my birthday made the day even more ridiculous.

It was Friday, April 26. Instead of going on the surprise getaway to Cape Cod that my husband tried to plan, I had to work. I work for the Girl Scouts, and one of my tasks that day was to deliver a prize to a girl in a troop meeting in Sheffield. Here’s how I had it planned: I would pick my daughter up from school at 3:05, be in Sheffield by 4:15, be out of Sheffield by 4:20 and back in Williamstown by 5:30, when Noelle’s baseball practice was schedule to start. I had the prize ready to go (I purchased a helium balloon earlier in the day to attach to it), I had snacks for Noelle to eat in the car and her baseball clothes ready to go.

I could do this. Read the rest of this entry »

Read the rest of this entry »

Community Conversation: Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Part 3

May 8, 2013 at 2:00 pm (Hilltown Families Event, Community Conversation, Hampshire County)
Tags: western massachusetts, Pioneer Valley, Northampton, Parenting, Talking About Sex, Sex Education, puberty

Hilltown Families presents…

“Puberty for Parents”
part of the Talking to Your Kids About Sex Series
of Community Conversations with Brooke Norton
Held at Cup & Top Café in Florence
Tuesday, May 21st from 6:30-8:30pm

Hilltown Families and Cup and Top Café are presenting a series of free talks for parents with Brooke Norton and Jane Fleishman, MS, Certified Sex Educators. Continuing with this series, the third talk, Puberty for Parents, will focus on the physical changes, social impacts and emotional aspects of puberty. Brooke and Jane will also touch upon sexual orientation and coming out, and what parents can teach their kids about consent.

“Puberty for Parents” will take place on Tuesday, May 21st after hours at the café from 6:30pm-8:30pm (1 North Main Street) in Florence, MA.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hindsight Parenting: Pretend Play vs. Violence

May 7, 2013 at 12:00 pm (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Creative Free Play, Motherhood, Parenting, preschool, pretend play, pretending, relationships, videogames, Violence

Let’s Pretend: A Discussion on Violence

Let’s go back to Fisher Price amusement parks with Weebles that don’t fall down, to plastic farms where a cow moos when you open the barn door and to kick ball out in the middle of the road using the cracks in the street as bases.

“Ok daddy. Let’s go in my tent and you get to kill me.” These were the words uttered by my VERY sheltered three-year-old daughter just last night. I was shocked. Daddy was shocked. He immediately responded, “I will play with you Ila, but I won’t ever play ‘killing’. That just isn’t a nice thing to play.” To distract her, he pretended to see a dragon in the clouds and they went chasing off in that direction determined to introduce themselves. While that seem to be the end of it for Ila, it wasn’t for me. How on Earth did she come up with THAT one?

Parenting Possibilities: A Sibling’s Love

April 29, 2013 at 6:00 am (Parenting, Shana Hiranandani, Video)
Tags: Family, Parenting, sibling, siblings

A Sibling’s Love

One day I quietly watched my children playing with each other and realized for the first time that they have their own unique form of communication. They have an instinctual knowledge of each other I had not previously been aware of. It is an understanding only a sibling can have, almost as if they can read each other’s minds.

At the moment when I noticed what I now call “brother speak” I began to reminisce about my own sibling and our bond as children. Being the younger of the two, my sister was always there. Her presence infused almost every moment I had in my life at home. It was different for her as she had 3 years enjoying all of my parents’ attention. She easily could have resented my arrival but my parents took a brilliant approach. One my partner and I did with our boys as well. My parents prepared my sister for my arrival by telling her I was a gift for her. That I was her baby too and her role as an older sister was very important.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hindsight Parenting: 999,999 Ways to Be a Good Enough Mother

April 16, 2013 at 4:00 pm (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Motherhood, Parenting, relationships

There is no way to be a perfect mother.

“There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.” This quote by Jill Churchill has followed me around lately. I have seen it on TV, in print, on Pinterest, posted on Facebook and on Twitter. It has shown up so often lately that I get the distinct feeling that it is speaking right to me and until I relent and agree, it will continue to haunt my senses perhaps even show up say on the back of the box of my favorite cereal (All right, I know I am being dramatic.).

I was raised in a family where perfection was the way you were noticed, the way you felt loved, and therefore I have had my share of trouble personally learning that life is all about imperfection. Like those who raised me, I expected faultlessness in those I loved, in myself, in my friends, in the way my life looked to those on the outside. I expected any endeavor perfectly landed like a gymnast sticking a dismount off the beam. Anything that was not perfection was a sign of abject failure either by another, or by me and both were chastised as such. As you already have figured out, I am my biggest critic and enemy, but my tendency to control those around me so that my idea of “perfection” came true was an even greater foe.

It is the combination of this realization thanks to my friend, Hindsight, and the fact that realizing it doesn’t always convert to total transformation instantaneously, that has made it so that I have felt in many ways like a failure, “muy imperfecto” at my first go round at parenting. Whenever life’s imperfections took a hold of my two sons, my first thought was how could I have prevented this, or what did I do wrong while raising them (How very egocentric of me huh?)?

And while Hindsight has helped me to understand that there is a multitude of factors that go into the molding and shaping of any human being, I still find myself struggling with the idea of “what is right” for my daughter, Ila and “what would be wrong” for her, hence the irritation with Jill’s perky “million ways” quote. Really, Jill? Are there REALLY a million ways to be a good mom? ‘Cause from where I stand there are a million ways to screw it up.

The thing about this whole enlightenment by Hindsight is that although Hindsight tells me what not to do based on decisions made during two decades of parenting, knowing what NOT to do but not what TO do often leaves me feeling like a compass with no needle. No North Star. No tether rope to keep me on the mountain. No flashlight on the way to the campground latrine (Do you get me?). Perhaps one more…. No teeth on my saw… (Okay, I am done. Promise).

My point is that what I did as a parent for years and years and years is really all I knew, I guess just like all other parents. My parenting was modeled after the parenting that I received, and even though I vowed NEVER to be like “them,” those patterns, their ideals that only perfection was worthy of love still showed up and I wasn’t even aware of it. And although that type of parenting wasn’t optimum in anyway shape or form, I at least felt (erroneously) that I knew “what a perfect mom would do.” I do know now that some of the parenting that I choose to use was not even remotely near perfect, but I was buoyed by the “idea” that I knew what I was doing.

Now, without those mistaken ideas of what a “perfect parent” would do, I find myself searching, forever searching for what is right, what is wrong, what would be perfect in this situation or that? And I want that to stop. I want to believe Jill in that there isn’t just one perfect way but MILLIONS of ways to be a good mother. My beloved Dr. Speed Dial is forever reminding me that I won’t always know what is best, worst, perfect or not perfect for my child. She tells me that if a decision is made by a mom who puts the child’s needs front and center, then that is one way moms like us can be good ones. Yup, that’s one way, but according to Jill there are at least 999,999 other ways, and it got me thinking. I can’t be the only one who struggles with this image of being a good and perfect mom. I think that is the whole reason that Jill’s quote keeps showing up. We need to reassure ourselves that although perfection is not an option, we can still do a good job. We can strive to do our best for our children. We can still be a good mother. So, if there truly are a million ways to do that, I’d LOVE to hear from you about what you think should be added to the “good mothering” list. After all, there are 999,999 reasons to go.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Logan Fisher

Logan has lived in Glens Falls, NY all her life. By day, she is an educator with 20 years experience, a mom to Aidan and Gannan, her two teenage boys, a new mommy to a beautiful daughter, Ila, and wife to the love of her life, Jeffrey. By night, weekends and any spare time she can find, Logan writes. She loves memoir and also adores writing essays about the challenges of parenthood. This year she started a parenting blog called A Muddled Mother, an honest place where mothers aren’t afraid to speak of the complications and difficulties that we all inevitably experience. Logan has been published in various children’s and parenting magazines including Today’s Motherhood, Eye on Education, Faces, and Appleseed. Logan’s previous column for Hilltown Families, Snakes and Snails: Teenage Boys Tales ran bi-monthly from June 2010-Feb. 2011, sharing stories of her first time around as a parent of two teenage boys. — Check out Hindsight Parenting: Raising Kids the Second Time Around every first and third Tuesday of the month.

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Just My Type: Organized Summer Activities

April 15, 2013 at 9:00 am (Contributing Writer, Rebecca Dravis)
Tags: Diabetes, Parenting, Raising a Child with Type One Diabetes, Type One Diabetes

Camped Out

Now that spring seems finally to be here, my thoughts have turned to summer. Summer camp, that is.

This is difficult time of year for us. My daughter, Noelle, was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when she was 4 1/2, about the time parents start thinking about organized summer activities for their children. The first summer, before she entered kindergarten, wasn’t too bad. We allowed her to go to half-day camps at her nearby preschool for a couple weeks and not much else, and that worked out okay.

Last summer, the summer between kindergarten and first grade, was much more difficult. She kept hearing of all the cool camps out there for kids, plus I had begun working for the Girl Scouts, and camp is a big thing for the Girl Scouts. Luckily we were able to enroll her in two half-day camps at her karate studio and a half-day camp at her dance studio, she participated in a children’s theater production for one week and the creme de la creme: one week of full-day Girl Scout camp that she was allowed to attend because I was allowed to work there for the week. Between that and season passes to Six Flags, she kept pretty busy.

Why is this so hard, you might be wondering. Like everything else with diabetes, camp presents huge challenges. While many camps have nurses on staff, some do not. Summer camps are more likely to have looser schedules than school. And many camps rely on teenage and college-aged supervision.

Without a nurse, how is Noelle going to make sure her blood sugar is regulated, her pump site remains intact through swimming and sweating and whatnot? She’s only 7; she still needs adult assistance on all of that. With a looser schedule, how is she going to make sure that she eats when she needs to, that she has access to sugar if she needs it? With young adult supervision, how are they going to recognize the signs of a diabetes-related problem? That’s a lot of pressure to put on a young adult.

So we’ve resigned ourselves, for now, to allow Noelle only to go to part-day camps that do not involve lunch, that are close by and that are supervised by adults. (And, of course, we equip her with a cell phone, which I wrote about in this column last summer to many comments from readers!)

This does not make Noelle happy.

We rejected the pottery camp Noelle want to go to, because it is a 45-minute drive away and includes lunch and swimming – at a facility with no nurse, no less. And we had to reject Girl Scout camp, even though she loved it last summer and many of her friends are going this year, making it even harder on her. But after a lot of soul-searching, conversations with family and the camp director, my husband and decided that because this year I can’t work from camp like last year, Noelle will not be able to go. It broke my heart to tell her of the decision, and it broke my heart again to hear her tell the camp director herself last week that “I can’t go because of my diabetes.” I hate hearing her say that, but the truth of the matter is, I can’t send her away for nine hours a day to a facility an hour’s drive away where, as caring as the staff may be, they are just not equipped to handle the gravity of her medical situation. That kind of experience is going to have to wait until Noelle is older and can take care of her diabetes more independently.

It truly does stink. But I handle her care 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and even I miss the signs sometimes. Last week Noelle had a very bad sugar low that I did not recognize. I even thought she was just being difficult because I had just told her it was time to leave her grandmother’s house. She wasn’t “just being difficult”; her blood glucose was 44. (Normal blood glucose, as I may have mentioned before, is between 80 and 100; anything much lower than 40 can cause seizures and blackouts – and death.)

How can I place that burden on someone else, especially young adults or even older adults who are essentially strangers who are in charge of a large group of children? Someday I am going to have to place that burden on Noelle herself. That’s frightening enough.

But as with other times, Noelle’s spirit continues to amaze me. After telling the camp director that she can’t go to Girl Scout camp this summer, she immediately jumped into the activity she was doing, with a big smile on her face, even as I stood wanting to cry.

I have no doubt we will find fun things for her to do this summer, and we will focus on what she can do, not what she can’t do. We will get by.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rebecca Dravis

Pittsfield native Rebecca Dravis is a former journalist who lives in north Berkshire County with her husband and daughter in Williamstown, MA. In Just My Type Rebecca shares her experiences as a parent raising a child with type one diabetes. – Check out Just My Type on the third Monday of every month.

Just My Type: Putting Up a Fight

March 18, 2013 at 1:00 pm (Contributing Writer, Rebecca Dravis)
Tags: Diabetes, disability, Parenting, Raising a Child with Type One Diabetes, special treatment, Travel, Type One Diabetes

Putting up a Fight

Having a marital spat in the middle of a chain department store is not my idea of fun. Yet there my husband and I were, 7-year-old Noelle in tow, marching through the store, hissing at each other in a not-so-very-nice fashion. – It’s just one more way that diabetes brings out the worst in us.

You see, it wasn’t just a run-of-the-mill dispute. No, this fight was about a fundamental difference of opinion regarding the care of our daughter’s type 1 diabetes.

How can two relatively intelligent people who both love and cherish their daughter be so far apart? It’s truly mind-boggling. When Noelle was first diagnosed in 2010, a friend whose child has autism warned me what issues like that can do to a marriage. He was right. Nothing has been run-of-the-mill since. Read the rest of this entry »

Hindsight Parenting: The Strength of Children

March 5, 2013 at 12:00 pm (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Motherhood, Parenting, preschool, relationships

Have Faith in Your Children Strength

I was a big ol’ chicken this week. I mean a shakin-in-my-boots-anxiety-ridden-big-ol’-BAWK-BAWK-chicken. Last column and the column before that, I had hinted that there were things going on at my daughter Ila’s current daycare/preschool that weren’t all that wonderful. Between the mean girl attitude, and the teachers’ lack of motivation to implement the suggestions given to them by Ila’s physical and occupational therapists, coupled with the unwelcoming disposition of the lead teacher who neither greeted nor even looked up when a parent walked into a room, we came to the rather terrifying decision that we’d have to change Ila’s school. I will tell you that just last week if I had to pen that previous line, I would get a panicky feeling right in my solar plexus.

We had already made the decision that she was not returning the following year. We picked out another preschool/daycare that had a reputation for academics and a child centered approach. Both the OT and the PT had encouraged us to check this school out as they both had experience being there to do therapy for other students. But we were determined to keep her in the school she had been in at least for the rest of the year. Moving Ila seemed to be cruel especially given the background she has had on loss and leaving. We thought it would be ‘best’ for her to keep her in the place that she was ‘used to’ and not uproot her and pull another set of people out from under her. I was sure, absolutely sure that her “fragile” self couldn’t handle it. But the more problems we experienced the harder it was to stick to the decision of keeping her there. And while I won’t go into the final straw, there was one…a big honkin’ straw, and it was completely and utterly apparent to us that we’d have to get her out of that toxic place as fast as we could.

From the moment I made that decision, I had massive anxiety. Hindsight kept reminding me that the feelings I was experiencing were paramount to those same feelings that I had when I wanted to spare my boys any discomfort and therefore would move heaven and earth to make sure they didn’t feel it. Hindsight also kept reminding me what the end result of that was; two children who find it absolutely excruciating when life doesn’t go exactly the way they want it to go. “When does life always follow the path you want it to?” Hindsight whispered. “Give her a chance to adapt to discomfort,” it urged. I knew. I always know that the whispers and elbows to my ribs that Hindsight gives are always the voice of reason. I knew I should listen, and so with shaky hands and that persistent anxiety ache in my solar plexus I pushed forward trying to find a new place for Ila to attend.

Luckily, the consummate preschool that we had decided on for the following year found room for our daughter and after a couple of visitations with mommy and daughter together, this past Monday, the day of doom, (at least in my head) came; the day that we’d have to drop Ila off “at that strange and new place with no one she knows.” Saturday and Sunday leading up to that day, I didn’t sleep. I tossed. I turned. I felt nauseous and turned to friends and my husband to soothe me. The anxiety took me over and I was convinced that I couldn’t possibly bear the moment in which I left Ila all alone at that new place. So I enlisted Ila’s daddy to be the culprit; the bad guy so to speak. HE could drop her off. HE could watch her whimper. He could peel her off his leg and run out of the classroom while she screamed for him not to leave her. I just simply couldn’t do it. And Hindsight chided, “Chicken. Coward. Don’t you have any faith in the strength of your daughter?” He had a point, but I pushed that thought aside and continued to wallow in anxiety until the fateful Monday arrived.

And so while I worked away in my classroom getting ready for the week ahead, my palms sweat and I waited for the fateful call that would inevitably come; that call that would have my husband’s voice on the other end shaky and sad that Ila was so distraught at being left at a new school. So when the phone rang, my gut did a giant roller coaster dip, but I put the phone to my ear and squeaked out, “How was she?” and braced for the horror story.

The line that was uttered by my husband could have very well been uttered by Hindsight itself. He said, “Logan, I think we need to have more faith in Ila and how strong she is. She was absolutely fine. She walked into the classroom, kissed me goodbye and walked off to play with the girls that were already in the class.” I was instantly relieved and ashamed. Hindsight was right…again. I needed to have faith and confidence in the strength that we have helped to foster in our daughter. I needed to listen to him when he reminded me that parenting with a sense of wisdom will then become the wisdom of the child, and here again was a perfect example of that.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that wanting to spare our children discomfort and trauma is an innate part of being a parent. However, I am finding out that the images of what may take place, of how they may feel, or of how they may react can be completely erroneous. Therefore, if we give in to that feeling of being the hero and saving them from the deep down dark of life, not only are we not equipping them for the ultimate continuing deep down darks of life, we miss out on some pretty amazing moments where we get to see our children being strong; stronger than we may think they are, and each time they are strong it will help us to let go a bit to the savior complex we have as parents and instead let our children build the muscles that they need to be strong humans for the rest of their lives.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Logan Fisher

Logan has lived in Glens Falls, NY all her life. By day, she is an educator with 20 years experience, a mom to Aidan and Gannan, her two teenage boys, a new mommy to a beautiful daughter, Ila, and wife to the love of her life, Jeffrey. By night, weekends and any spare time she can find, Logan writes. She loves memoir and also adores writing essays about the challenges of parenthood. This year she started a parenting blog called A Muddled Mother, an honest place where mothers aren’t afraid to speak of the complications and difficulties that we all inevitably experience. Logan has been published in various children’s and parenting magazines including Today’s Motherhood, Eye on Education, Faces, and Appleseed. Logan’s previous column for Hilltown Families, Snakes and Snails: Teenage Boys Tales ran bi-monthly from June 2010-Feb. 2011, sharing stories of her first time around as a parent of two teenage boys. — Check out Hindsight Parenting: Raising Kids the Second Time Around every first and third Tuesday of the month.

Become a Hilltown Families Contributing Writer – Join Our Fabulous Team of Contributors!

[Photo credit: (ccl) Brian Hart]

Parenting Possibilities: Find Your Way to Say I Love You

February 25, 2013 at 12:00 pm (Parenting, Shana Hiranandani)
Tags: Parenting

Saying I Love You

As an adult, I understand so much more about what my father’s life was like. How it feels to be passionate about work and the pull to become consumed. I appreciate now that he never worked on weekends like many of his colleagues and he always went on family trips with us. I realize that as a man he didn’t see it as his responsibility to be a primary caregiver nor did most men at that time.

I have been reading a lot about Justice Sonia Sotomayor lately now that her book is out. Her story is inspiring and yet also sad. Her father died when she was in fourth grade due to heart problems related to alcoholism. When he was alive, Sonia endured a childhood of watching her father explode in rages when he was drinking and his aggression was often pointed at herself or her mother.

In her recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, Justice Sonia was asked what she most regrets in life. Her first response was that she regrets not ever telling her father she loved him.

My heart sank for her.

My story is very different from Justice Sonia’s although as a child and then a teenager it was not easy to relate to my father. He worked long hours and took frequent business trips. He always seemed still to be thinking about work even when he was with us. I remember feeling sadness and anger every time he left.

Read the rest of this entry »

Q&A: Email for Kids

February 24, 2013 at 7:00 am (Question and Answer, Questions and Answers)
Tags: Children, Email, Email for Children, Email for Kids, Email for Tweens, Parenting

QUESTION AND ANSWERS

“Email programs that are designed specifically for kids offer safety, security, and privacy features that regular grown-up email programs don’t,” writes Common Sense Media. “Unlike Gmail, Yahoo, or even Facebook, email programs for kids can’t sell ads based on the topics in your messages or suggest people for you to add to your contact list.”

One of our readers is looking to set up an email account for their tween. — “Are there any recommendations from other parents on how to set up a monitored email account for a grade school child (10yo), in particular has anyone ever used KidsEmail.org? Gmail requires kids to be 13yo+ and I’m resistant to having my child use Gmail until then, otherwise I might be modeling that it’s okay to lie about your age on the internet. Love to hear if parents have used other services that are specifically for kids. Thanks!”

Susan Countryman writes, “I’ve used kidsemail.org and been happy with it. It has a huge array of controls–including a set list for who can email your child (and vice versa), whether attachments or photos can be received, and the option to have in and outgoing mail be copied to your own account.”
Amber Ladley writes, “Thanks for this timely post. We just started the email discussion…also for a 10yo…will definitely check out kidsemail.org.”
Karina BlackHeart writes, “Norton has a great system for monitoring internet use for kids. You get to set up which email account they can use, what kinds of sites they can visit, etc. If Norton won’t let them on a site they want to visit, the child has to come and get your permission.”
Melissa Mason Hyde writes, “Just set up a regular email like Hotmail but only the parents know the password. What’s the big deal.”
William Buescher writes, “I have three teens. None of them email. Ever. They text 100% (well, they also post comments on Facebook – which is pretty easy to monitor.)”

[Photo credit: (ccl) Ruben Vermeersch]

Let’s Play: Guerilla Play

February 20, 2013 at 9:00 am (Carrie St. John, Contributing Writer)
Tags: Creative Free Play, Guerilla Play, kindness, Nature, Non-Commercial, Parenting, Pay it Forward, Play, Play Bombing, Yarn Bombing

Play it Forward

This month we need to spread the play. It’s cold out. People are looking for signs of spring. I think families can brighten a little corner of our world with kindness and have great fun doing it.

Many people are helping neighbors near and far. Knitters have made blanket squares for victims of Super Storm Sandy (Knit Sandy). Many observed the National Day of Service in honor of Martin Luther King (Spreading Kindness). Small gestures are made numerous times a day that can brighten an afternoon such as holding a door for a delivery man loaded high with packages, helping your child’s teacher with a special project or shoveling the neighbor’s walk. We decided to spread play in our community.

I mentioned yarn bombing in my column last year. Those wacky knitters provide the public with visual interest and color in unexpected places. Knitted items pop up over night. Yarn bombers spread creativity, art, beauty and ideas. Technically yarn bombing is an act of graffiti. Northampton frequently removes it from the main areas downtown. We decided to start making Play Bombs! Can play bombs be illegal? I hope not. We have been leaving finger puppets, tiny toys and bouncing balls around Northampton on and off for months now. Have you found a paper puppet in your stroller? Or a tiny purple spider on the jungle gym? Maybe a felt bunny on the chair at a local coffee shop? We try to be subtle and act as if we accidentally left an item behind, as subtle as you can be with a 7 year old excited about leaving surprises for other children to discover. Each has a little note so people know there is no need to look for the owner. You can brighten the faces of kids in an after school program by dropping off something as simple as a box of paper airplanes. Are the neighbor kids home with the flu? Leave a box of hearts to cut out with scissors and glue on the front steps. It’s easy and can quickly bring a smile. Just don’t get caught. Play bombing is much more fun, if it is secret.

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Help us spread some play this month. I have links below for more ideas and examples of random acts of kindness.

February Resources

Practicing Consideration of Others

Knit Sandy

Yarn Bombing

The Fine Art of Yarn Bombing

Making Life Whimsical: Kindness Inspires Kindness

100 Acts of Kindness

Fun Paper Airplanes

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carrie was born, raised and attended university in Michigan. As a child she rode bikes and explored her rural neighborhood freely with siblings and neighbor kids. Mom and Dad never worried. The kids always made it home after hours wading in the creek and climbing trees in the woods. After college she moved to Kyoto, Japan to study traditional Japanese woodblock printing. In 1995, she began a career at a small Chicago firm designing maps and information graphics. Life brought a move to Northampton in 2001. Carrie completed her MFA at UMass in 2004. Her little love, Sophia, was born in 2005. The two live in downtown Northampton where they constantly make things, look forward to morning walks to school and plan each spring for additions to their plot at the community garden. Carrie continues to do freelance work for clients here and in Chicago.

Hindsight Parenting: What is the Antidote to Meanness?

February 19, 2013 at 3:00 pm (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Empathy, Health, mean culture, mean girls, meanness, Motherhood, Parenting, relationships

Mean Girls, At Age 3

To teach my daughter empathy, the ability to anticipate and understand the feelings of others, would ensure, I am certain, that my daughter, our daughters, would be able to build each other up—not tear each other down, would be able to support with the strength of positivity…

“Go home, Ila!” Those three words, said by a three year old no less to my sweet-natured, well behaved, lovely, and special daughter (all right, all right I may be a tad biased…) made me squeeze the life out of my steering wheel from rage as it was relayed to me by that beautiful girl of mine on the way home from a grocery store visit.

I have heard the horror stories and the numerous, in fact incessant, warning from moms of daughters about the epidemic of mean girls and how it would affect someone as passive and innocent as Ila. I have been told to get her ready for it; to ensure that she has developed a strong and battle proof sense of self so that when she is attacked (which is only a matter of time according to the moms in the trenches) it won’t affect her as deeply as it could. I have been told to empower her with the right to stand up for herself; teach her I statements that set clear boundaries. For instance, “I don’t like what you are saying to me!” Or, “I want you to leave me alone.” Or, “I will not be treated this way!” I have been told that building a solid foundation of love and open communication would make it so that my daughter would feel safe divulging hurtful information to us.

And so we have done all that. Hindsight has urged me to take the advice of these mothers-in-the-know and equip Ila with all that is necessary for her to combat this culture of bullying. And me, with my memories of the horrific bullying that my older son experienced…for years…without my knowledge…as well as my own esteem issues and lack of connection with parents who did nothing to help me feel like my feelings were safe with them, made it so that I fiercely vowed to raise a daughter who was prepared beyond a shadow of a doubt for anything that might make her feel less than.

But dear readers, I must confess that I thought I had more time. I thought that I had years to mold and shape this wonderful girl into someone who stood on sturdy metaphorical legs, years to be sure that she and her out of this world essence would stay that way. I thought I had more time. Read the rest of this entry »

Q&A: Let’s Talk Bedtime

February 17, 2013 at 10:00 am (Question and Answer, Questions and Answers)
Tags: bedtime, Children, Parenting

QUESTION AND ANSWERS

Let’s talk bedtime… What time does your child go to bed, and what is their age? Pulled from our archives, here’s what our readers had to share…

Nancyjo Craig Rongner writes: “‎22.5 months. Somewhere between 7 and 8.”
Amanda Saklad‎ writes: “5, 9, 11 – all go to bed at 8pm (the 5 and 11yo share a room and it is tough to have the younger one go to bed earlier).”
Angela Golembeski‎ writes: “7pm. Ages 3, 8 & 10. We are early risers but they still get their 12 hours in.”
Drew Campbell writes: “Almost 10yo is in bed at 8:30, lights-out at 9:00.”
Meggin Thwing Eastman writes: “‎7-8pm, depending on whether he had a nap; 3.5yo.”
Heather Richardson writes: “My boys are 2 and 4 and they go to bed between 7 and 8.”
Kate Thompson Bader writes: “My son is 10 months and he goes to bed between 6:30 and 7:00. I wish he would stay up a little later!”
Myanna Carbin-O’Brien writes: “One son is 20 months…6:45-7:15ish depending on nap. My other son is 4, no nap and 7:30.”
Kara Kitchen‎ writes: “8 (almost 9) y.o. Twins in bed at 9 lights out at 9:30 sleep till 7 am-weekends they can stay up till midnight and sleep in till 10 when nothing to do!”
Sara Barry writes: “4.5 months and 2 years—Bed time is between 7 and 7:30, though this time of year we’re having trouble getting inside early enough to get to bed on time.”
Joan Griswold writes: “My daughter is 9, going to be 10 in September. We get her into to bed to read at 8:30 and lights out at 9PM. Weekends are a little later. I like seeing what others do!”
Michelle Huddy‎ writes: “1.5, 5 and 6. Between 7:00-8:00. The 5 year old is up at 6:00 every morning!”
Melanie Klein Courtemanche writes: “Would be great if you could change the question to include what time is your child up in the morning too.”
Kathleen Roden Spires writes: “5 y/o boy…bed and lights out (if no t-ball game) @7:15/20…he’s up in the AM (sleeps like a rock thru the night) 6:15/30 self waking up. He is in full day Kindergarten…”
Diane Hinze Kanzler writes: “‎4.5-year-old girl, in bed by 8 p.m. (7-7:30 in winter), self-wakes between 6 and 7 a.m. Awesome sleeper.”
Carrie St John writes: “‎5.5 years. Bath at 7pm, stories at 7:30, sleeping with seconds. Generally awake between 6-7am. A later bedtime means grumpies and she still wakes at the same time no matter the bedtime. She has had an internal alarm since birth.”
Vanessa Van Stee‎ writes: “15 month old – in bed at 7pm.”

[Photo credit: (ccl) Patrick]

Hindsight Parenting: Special People

February 5, 2013 at 10:00 am (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Health, lifestyle, Parenting, relationships, Special Needs, Teens

Special

When I meet up with those who are disinclined to do what is best for my child, it is probably time to find someone else to do that particular job, or time to find another group in which she can take part because there are many special people out there who are willing to do what right no matter what. And our special daughter deserves those special people in her special life because, after all, she’s so special …to us.

She’s just a girl. Not special. Not any different than any other toddler. She’s infatuated with Princess Sofia and Doc McStuffins. She has a stuffed lamb, Mi Mi, who she can’t be without. She adores her daddy and loves playing school because her mommy is a teacher. She’s a pint size philosopher who packs a punch with wise words that are seemingly beyond MY years. But she isn’t special. She’s just another child in a world of children.

But to us, her father and me, she is everything. She is quite extraordinary and yes…she is special; special in ways that are too numerous to ever recount in a single post let alone a single novel.

But she also has special needs. She needs help making her muscles strong; to get her core to fire, her left thigh to not fail her, her ankles to hold her steady. She needs help getting her fingers to work in a coordinated way so that pulling a sticker off a paper isn’t a monumental marathon-like task. She needs wait time so that her mind can map out a succession of movements. She has needs…special needs.

Over these last few years, I have been awestruck with the humans that we have encountered; professionals whose sole desire is to get her to develop to be her best self. On the way to stronger muscles and more coordinated fingers, they have taught her the satisfaction of persistence, the wonderful feeling of meeting goals, the necessity to pay attention and follow directions and the invaluable knowledge that a desire to work hard even if it is inconvenient or difficult is one of the most important characteristic one could possess. For these humans who have a constant presence in my daughter Ila’s life, I am more grateful than I could ever pen. Our daughter is special, as special to these helping humans as she is to us.

As with most toddlers, she belongs to many different types of groups. Each “group” has a leader. And while many are willing and able participants in our quest provide every opportunity for Ila’s brain to develop new pathways for movement and the processing of that movement, unfortunately, we have also come across humans, adults, who see our daughter’s special needs as a burden; “an extra thing to do.” Read the rest of this entry »

Q&A: 12 Suggestions for Including Babies During Family Dinner

February 3, 2013 at 7:52 am (Question and Answer, Questions and Answers)
Tags: Babies, Children, Family Dinner, family meals, infants, lifestyle, Parenting

QUESTION AND ANSWERS

When your kids were babies, how did you include them at the dinner table?

Jennifer Shiao Page writes, “Well, when she was a wee one, we always ate when she was asleep. Once she could sit up, we put her in the high chair and she sat at the table with us. We always gave her appropriately-sized bits of whatever we were eating, for her to eat on her own (or not). We did child-led weaning, which is basically forgoing baby food and pureed food, and letting her experience the texture and taste of our food. It helped to not have to spoon-feed her.”

Carrie St John writes, “My daughter has always preferred being at eye level-sling or soft back pack instead of a stroller. Also true at the dinner table, so from about 1 month to 4 months she would be in the middle of the table (big table). Right in the action. Once she started rolling, she sat on my lap. Once she could sit, close to 6 months, she was in one of those baby seats that goes right up to the table, not a traditional high chair which tends to be back from the table. She was always right there being a part of the conversation.”

Rebecca Dejnak Svan writes, “High chair. Loved it. It’s at table height and we started eating together as soon as they could be in it.”

Rebecca Trow Addison writes, “At 7 months our daughter had her 1st Thanksgiving and she ate everything we ate. Just cut it up small.”

Judie Isabella writes, “When mine were too little for high chairs, I’d put them right up on the table in their baby seat. When they could sit in high chairs, I would pull it right up to the table… Always… We still do have the best family dinners.”

Kerri Recore Vassar writes, “While infants they seemed to know when we were eating, so typically they nursed while I ate. As they grew, some times they were in a high chair or on my lap.”

Eileen Collins writes, “I rescued a Victorian bent wood high chair, bought a 4 point harness to secure my daughter and kept the table portion of the high chair always flipped back. This way I could push her high chair up to our table. She was at eye level and enjoyed having her meals with us.”

Janet McLaurin writes, “We have hooks in a beam right at the head of the table and we hung a baby airplane swing there-so I guess the boys started at the table but then if they got bored or fussy they ended up gently swinging often ending up asleep -family dinner time is important-good time to gather together.”

Olivia Leone writes, “Our children were always at the dinner table with us, in their high chair (tray off an pulled up to the table), in a booster seat and now in chairs. No matter how busy our lives get, we make sure to sit together at the dinner table even if it means on dance nights we don’t eat until 7, or when track starts, we picnic.”

Barb Raymond writes, “With love and patience.”

Julie Rodrigues Tanguay writes, “In a ring-sling, on our laps, in a swing next to us, on our laps, in the carriage, on our laps, in the highchair reclined, on our laps, in the highchair, ON our laps, in a booster, ON OUR LAPS, in a chair. Our dining room table is in the center our house, and that is a time and place we go to “talk out” any of the days events & plans for the days to come.”

Susan Lillie Robert writes, “When our girls were little we always included them at the table to teach them about proper manners and family time, we would also take them out to eat to show them how one acts out if public. We were always commented on how well behaved they were.”

[Photo credit: (ccl) Daniel James]

Volunteer to Help Hampshire County Parents as a Parent Aide

January 30, 2013 at 9:00 am (Hampshire County, Volunteer Opportunity)
Tags: Berkshire Children & Families, Parenting, Pioneer Valley, Volunteer Opportunity, western massachusetts

Volunteer as a Parent Aid with Berkshire Children & Families

The PAVE program pairs trained volunteers with Hampshire County families in order to provide one-to-one, relationship-based home visiting support. PAVE volunteers commit to approximately one year of service to one family.

Marylou Spaulding of Berkshire Children & Families writes:

Become a Parent Aide! For over 32 years, the PAVE program has been providing home-based support to Hampshire County parents who are stressed and often isolated from a supportive community. The program’s goal is to strengthen and empower parents by giving them new tools to help them in their parenting journey. Compassion, common sense and the ability to listen to a parent are required.

Berkshire Children & Families will provide the training and supervision. Volunteer 3 to 5 hours per week. Spring training is now forming and we hope you can join us! No commitment required until after you have completed our interesting and informative training. Please join the next PAVE training and discover how you can make a positive difference in the lives of children and families in your community.

For more information, call Berkshire Children & Families 413-584-5690 x114 for Gail Fries, or x115 for Mary Benedetti. E-mail gfries@bcfcma.org or mbenedetti@bcfcma.org. Families are waiting for you!

Parenting Possibilities: To Take Away or Not Take Away

January 28, 2013 at 3:00 pm (Parenting, Shana Hiranandani, Video)
Tags: media consumption, Parenting, Violence

You Better Run

“You better run, better run, out run my gun.”

These are sample lyrics to Foster the People’s freakishly popular song, “Pumped up Kicks,” that my children were happily listening to the other day. When I realized that the song my 5 and 9 year old boys were dancing to with joy was essentially about gun violence, a blanket of horror came over me.

Let me back up a bit…

For Chanukah, my partner and I agreed to give our boys their own mini MP3 players. It was a big decision for us as we were aware that the MP3 players would be the first electronic device they owned. We made the purchase in preparations for an upcoming long plane flight. The MP3 players seemed like a great, fun option for them to have on the plane.

Once their gifts were open, immediate excitement and requests to load songs on their players followed. We were happy to pick out songs with them and relished in how thrilled they were about the gifts. The song “Pumped up Kicks” was one of the first choices for both of them. My partner and I had heard the song before but the lyrics were always murky to us.

After listening to the song again, I thought I was hearing words referring to guns and cigarettes but it seemed so improbable. I decided to do some research. First I looked up their video on You Tube. The video was a montage of the handsome young men playing the song live and having a blast. Nothing about guns there, so it seemed.

Read the rest of this entry »

6 Comments

20 Recommendations for Keeping the Family Entertained in Subzero Weather

January 27, 2013 at 12:00 pm (Question and Answer, Questions and Answers)
Tags: Children, Family Activities, Indoor Activities, Parenting, winter activities

QUESTION AND ANSWERS

Rachael Laurie writes: “Board games: Battleship, Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, Hullabaloo, Twister. Lots of games.”

How does your family stay entertained when you’re snowed in (and the temps dip below 0°)?

Amy Meltzer writes: “Blokus, Backgammon, Spot It, Clue, puzzles…baking cookies…and what my girls call “book conferences” when we all get in bed and read together.”
Andrew Woodland writes: “Play banjo!”
Gillian Kyle Budine writes: “Cozy up and read!”
Aviva Lester Sieber writes: “We do arts and crafts, and read.”
Robin Shtulman writes: “Board games!”
Leah Pilet-Stinson writes: “Making forts, baking, arts and crafts, set up our tent for indoor camping!”
Prudence Wholey writes: “Games, reading, Scrabble.”
Samantha Wood writes: “Reading near each other, watching movies, playing piano and making soups.”
Mercedes Echevarria writes: “Baking cookies, reading, playing games.”
Amy Jean Smith writes: “Baking, reading, coloring, playing music and lots of indoor activities that get you moving. My toddler’s favorite is a CD of music with different music for walking, marching, running (in place), skipping and formal walking. And watching the creatures outdoors.”
Michele Lussier writes: “Books, movies, baking, cuddling/napping…”
Mike & Mimi Blissed Ross writes: “Creating, music, art, reading, homeschooling, cooking things that require the oven! Dancing! Exercising! Latin music hot hot hot!”
Jeremia Pollard writes: “We go outside.”
Dorothy Elaine Lavachia Stant writes: “Go Crazy.”
Amy Kane-Coyne writes: Playing Banannagrams. Art projects. Baking brownies.
Michael Muller writes: Games. Reading. Audio books.
Kate Bailey writes: V.I.D.E.O.
Aime DeGrenier writes: Coloring, visiting with our awesome neighborhood kids, puzzle.
Joshua Farber writes: Kitchen table science experiments involving snow – predictions and proposed variations can be drawn by the under-literate crowd. My 8 year old wrote her first lab report this past Friday!

[Photo credit: (ccl) Renielet]

Let’s Play: Great Day for Snow Play!

January 16, 2013 at 7:00 am (Carrie St. John, Contributing Writer)
Tags: Creative Free Play, Fairy Houses, Nature, Non-Commercial, Outdoor Play, Parenting, Play, Snow Activities, Snow Day, Snow Play, squirt bottles, winter

Go Out in the Snow a Bit Each Day!

It’s a great day to get out into the snow! Just add kids and go! But before you head out, prepare so as to optimize the fun! Set up a healthy snack for the kids to energize and hydrate, then have them take a bathroom break BEFORE getting dressed in their winter gear. While they eat, gather up the warm clothes by the door. Layers. No cotton. Wool and other fibers are warmer. Long underwear. Turtlenecks. Sweaters. Snow pants. Snow jacket. Warm socks. Waterproof boots. Winter hats. Warm mittens you can tuck up into the jacket sleeves. And extra mittens to swap out when the first pair gets wet. When its really cold, add a neck warmer and leg warmers. Cover all the skin you can in layers. Then open the door and let ‘em out… and the kids will just play!

Snow has a magic effect. There are the traditional snowy day activities. Sledding. Slipping and sliding on patches of ice. Climbing snow hills. Building a snow person. Walking through the drifts. A snowball fight. Constructing a snow fort or igloo. Making snow angels. For variety, as the winter lingers on, present some other options.

Paint Snow: Fill spray or squirt bottles with water and food coloring to paint in the snow (Avoid spraying each other as food coloring can stain.).
Build Winter Fairy Houses: Build mini houses with icicles for walls. They can be houses for snow fairies similar to summer time fairy stick houses.
Make Mini Snow People: Use snowballs and tiny foods like raisins and nuts for faces and toothpicks for arms for mini snow people.
Blow Bubbles: Blow bubbles on a cold, cold day. They freeze.
Hula Hoop: Have a hula hoop contest dressed in all those layers.
Flashlight Tag: It gets dark early, so consider a game of flashlight tag before dinner.
Box Sled: Use a cardboard box or trash can lid for a sled.
Tracking: Go on a hunt for animal tracks in the snow.
Indoor Snow Bin: IF it gets too cold outside, bring a plastic bin of snow inside to play. Add a few action figures, toy trees and some ice cubes or sugar cubes for building and pretend to have a tiny winter landscape inside.

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Enjoy the season!

January Collections

We are always collecting and saving items in bins and on shelves for creative projects. This month add a few things to enhance snow play:

spray or squirt bottles

food coloring

flattened cardboard boxes and large trash can lids make great sleds

traditional summer playthings like bubbles or a hula hoop

large plastic bin to bring snow inside

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carrie was born, raised and attended university in Michigan. As a child she rode bikes and explored her rural neighborhood freely with siblings and neighbor kids. Mom and Dad never worried. The kids always made it home after hours wading in the creek and climbing trees in the woods. After college she moved to Kyoto, Japan to study traditional Japanese woodblock printing. In 1995, she began a career at a small Chicago firm designing maps and information graphics. Life brought a move to Northampton in 2001. Carrie completed her MFA at UMass in 2004. Her little love, Sophia, was born in 2005. The two live in downtown Northampton where they constantly make things, look forward to morning walks to school and plan each spring for additions to their plot at the community garden. Carrie is a licensed family care provider and continues to do freelance work for clients in Chicago.

Community Conversation: Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Part 2

January 15, 2013 at 12:00 pm (Community Conversation, Hampshire County, Hilltown Families Event)
Tags: Northampton, Parenting, Pioneer Valley, Sex Education, Talking About Sex, western massachusetts

Hilltown Families presents…

Talking to Your Kids About Sex
A Community Conversation at Cup & Top Café
Evening of Tuesday, January 29th in Florence

Hilltown Families and Cup and Top Café are presenting a series of free talks for parents with Brooke Norton, Certified Sex Educator. Continuing with this series, the second talk will continue to look at how to talk with your kids about sex in an age appropriate way. This talk will take place on Tuesday, January 29th after hours at the café from 6:30pm-8:30pm (1 North Main Street) in Florence, MA.

Brooke would like to invite all parents to attend, regardless of their personal values about sex and sexuality. “All value systems will be honored and respected,” says Brooke. “My whole mission is just to encourage parents to start thinking about how they want to guide their children, and then to get them to start talking as well,” she added.

In the first talk in this series, some of the questions Brooke addressed included:

What information is appropriate for my kids’ age?
When is a good time to start talking with my child about sex?
How do I react when my child asks about something that I am not comfortable with?

Brooke will touch on these questions again and continue the conversation by address additional questions, like:

How do we deal with technology and the media and its influence on our kids’ views of sex?
How much does my kid need to know about sex?
How can I start the conversation?

Co-sponsored by Cup & Top Cafe.

Body image, puberty, and sexual identity issues will be addressed too.

Participants are encouraged to purchase dinner from the cafe (gluten-free & vegan options available) between 6:30-7pm. The talk begins at 7pm. Parents who are considering attending should be advised not to bring their children along to this parents-only event. For more information, please contact Brooke Norton at 413-684-8697 or email brookenorton712@gmail.com.

Cup & Top Cafe is located at 1 North Main Street in Florence, MA.

Hindsight Parenting: New Siblings and Imaginary Friends

January 15, 2013 at 10:00 am (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Health, imaginary friends, mental-health, Motherhood, Parenting, relationships

Introducing Jess…

Let me introduce you to Jess. She is 12. She lives outside, loves the color purple and doesn’t want to go to school at all…

So Ila has a sister. Now stop calculating and clutching your chest. I am not and never will be pregnant again. The vasectomy and heart condition has ensured that (And honestly…phew.). And no, no there is no illegitimate child involved. Although, I am sure there are some who live to fuel the small town gossip mill who just read my first line and ran off to shout THAT type of story from the roof top of the very tall ivory tower that serves as the gossip mill’s sturdy structure and meeting place in my community. Nope…there is no sister, but there is.

That last line made no sense to you did it? Yet it makes perfect sense to me…and to Ila…who made her sister up. Yup. It’s an imaginary sister. Let me introduce you to Jess. She is 12. She has glasses which she no longer wears. She lives in our garden (We don’t have one and even if we did, it’s buried under two feet of snow.). She has dark hair, loves the color purple and doesn’t want to go to school at all. Somehow, although she is Ila’s sister, she has a completely different mother and father, but they don’t live in the garden with her. Jess has existed for my daughter for quite some time now. She’d show up sporadically. A mention here and there—but lately she has been a fixture in our house and in Ila’s imagination.

You see, even though “Jess” has been around for months, her constant presence showed up after Ila’s father and I had a particularly nasty blowout within ear shot of our daughter (If you knew how difficult it was for me to actually put those words down on paper, you would perhaps be less apt to judge me…maybe not.). But it happened. I am not proud of my behavior. My husband’s behavior was equally reprehensible and because I am UBER sensitive to NOT screwing up as much this time around as a mother, Jess’s appearance coinciding with the shameful argument has plagued me. I blamed myself (shocking!) for the creation of Jess and worried (me worry??) that my daughter was somehow damaged because of my behavior.

In fact, it may be my imagination, but it seemed that lately every time Ila’s father and I have just a normal conversation, Ila begins talking to “Jess” loudly as if to drown us out just in case the fighting takes place again. I could be wrong…maybe not. And true to my nature I have been pretty good at beating myself up about it all, sure that I had psychologically scarred my daughter for the rest of her life. And it is a rare mothering moment for me that I have no Hindsight whatsoever to fall back upon. Imaginary human beings living in my house never happened during the first 19 years of motherhood. I knew nothing about the phenomenon except for the fact that my little sister had an imaginary friend named “Big Friend” who we used to have to set a place for at the dinner table. But since my parents argued incessantly, that knowledge did nothing to quell my guilt.

So I did what any mother in this day and age does when needing information, I poured over everything the internet had ever published about imaginary humans (all right maybe not EVERYTHING. I may be exaggerating…just a tad…maybe not.) According to the doctors that write for BabyCenter.com, having imaginary friends or siblings or even animals is natural and normal for preschoolers. Studies actually show that kids with imaginary humans turn out to be more cooperative, creative, independent, and happy than those without.

This was good news, not only for Ila, but for her weary mother who thought that the presence of “Jess” was proof of my ineptitude. So what now? Well, I am off to play school with Ila…and Jess. Apparently it is Ila’s sister’s turn to be the teacher. I am eager to get started. I wonder what she’ll teach me today. She’s already taught me so much.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Logan Fisher

Logan has lived in Glens Falls, NY all her life. By day, she is an educator with 20 years experience, a mom to Aidan and Gannan, her two teenage boys, a new mommy to a beautiful daughter, Ila, and wife to the love of her life, Jeffrey. By night, weekends and any spare time she can find, Logan writes. She loves memoir and also adores writing essays about the challenges of parenthood. This year she started a parenting blog called A Muddled Mother, an honest place where mothers aren’t afraid to speak of the complications and difficulties that we all inevitably experience. Logan has been published in various children’s and parenting magazines including Today’s Motherhood, Eye on Education, Faces, and Appleseed. Logan’s previous column for Hilltown Families, Snakes and Snails: Teenage Boys Tales ran bi-monthly from June 2010-Feb. 2011, sharing stories of her first time around as a parent of two teenage boys. — Check out Hindsight Parenting: Raising Kids the Second Time Around every first and third Tuesday of the month.

Become a Hilltown Families Contributing Writer – Join Our Fabulous Team of Contributors!

[Photo credit: (ccl) Thomas Tolkien]

Hindsight Parenting: New Year’s Resolutions for Parents

January 1, 2013 at 11:00 am (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Health, lifestyle, mental-health, Motherhood, New Year's Resolutions, Parenting, relationships, Teens

Leaving Stressors Outside the Front Door for the New Year!

Making New Year’s Resolutions? Share what you could change, improve, or make anew this year in honor or for the benefit of your children.

January; the month of promises to change, to improve, to start anew. We usually are gung-ho, walkin’ that treadmill, drinking those smoothies, foregoing those nasty cigarettes for…well…awhile. But let’s be honest, Hindsight tells us that we rarely CHANGE…I mean REALLY CHANGE. Pretty soon that treadmill is collecting laundry that hasn’t quite dried, those smoothies are impossible to drink because the blender is broken and what starts as just one cigarette while out with friends goes right back to a pack a day habit (Yes, my dear friend whom I love to pieces…I am talking about YOU and those blasted cigarettes. I want you to live a long life…so sue me!).

Since I have been in such a retrospective-what-can-I-learn-from-my-past attitude, I’ve been thinking. I know…that doesn’t surprise anyone. Can’t that girl EVER turn her brain off?? The answer to that question is of course, “NO!” And although sometimes that is a burden that I wish I didn’t carry, in this case I am glad that I was pondering the New Year.

All that ruminating and reminiscing made me realize that all my resolutions over my middle-aged life have been about ME—all about me. I know, I know—it is kind of what resolutions are for…to change, improve, and make YOURSELF anew. But this year, I was thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, if I made a resolution about the way I parent…a resolution that would be good for my children…that I may be more apt to stick to it, to do the work to really CHANGE what needs to be CHANGED in me when it comes to parenting. Having my children as motivation makes WANTING to change, to improve, to make anew seem a bit easier. After all, parents are wired to do right by their children.

But of course, being wired to do right doesn’t always translate into best practices. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s Play: Stories from Family Holidays to Inspire Creative Free Play

December 19, 2012 at 6:30 am (Carrie St. John, Contributing Writer)
Tags: Creative Free Play, Parenting, Play, Stories, Storytelling

Stories To Inspire Creative Free Play

I was a bit of a geek as a teen so homework was completed right after school, part time job on weekends and just a handful of close friends. I spent a fair amount of free time at my older siblings’ houses playing with their kids. It was a blessing to be a part of their childhoods. I had part time, little siblings that were really my niece and nephews.

I learned a great parenting lesson from my oldest sister, Penny, nearly 25 years ago. She dives right into the winter holidays the day after Thanksgiving. She has an incredible collection including a wall of elves, a near life size snowman, a shelf of angels and a cabinet filled with Rudolph, Frosty, Grinch and Little Cindy Lou Who and all the other television characters we grew up with in the 70s and the Nativity. She makes the tree a family showcase with ornaments made over 20 years ago my her children. Holiday fills their home. When my nephew, now a college graduate and police officer, was 3 or 4 years old, she started a grand tradition that fed perfectly into his love of stories, play and imagination. A mysterious elf visited the house. The elf made tiny foot prints, ate cookies and left surprises. This was well before the current Elf on the Shelf craze. My sister created the fantasy he craved. Stories were told. Questions asked and answers often came on the fly to continue the magic of the elf for a very curious little boy. No one ever saw this elf. He came and went under the dark of night. Andrew never needed to actually see him. The stories alone kept the elf active and alive through December.

The excitement and mystery my sister created for my nephew is something I try to add to our house now. Plant a seed. Put a mind to work on the possibilities. Watch the love of a good story. Create fantasy. Give childhood a bit of magic.

What a great time of year to tell stories! Share family stories. What was this time of year like when you were little? What holidays did you celebrate? What special activities did you do? Boost family memories by telling stories about a special day spent together. Create new mysteries and adventures. What if Jack Frost did paint the windows with snowflakes? What does he look like? How does he get around the earth? Spark ideas to get your little ones telling stories and playing fantasy games. Storytelling improves vocabulary, writing and spelling. It’s fun. Stories can lead to hours of pretend play with parents, siblings, friends and visiting cousins using dress up, toy people, construction toys and tiny animals. Stories encourage children to create images in their minds bringing the story to life. Make illustrations! All ages can create stories with spoken words, drawings or detailed written tales.

December Collections

We are always collecting and saving items in bins and on shelves for creative projects. This month maybe games or a book or two related to story telling and a game to spark an idea:

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Show Me a Story: 40 Craft Projects and Activities to Spark Children’s Storytelling by Emily K. Neuburger. This book has numerous ideas for crafts and projects to encourage storytelling at home.

Rory’s Story Cubes by Gameright

Magnetic Poetry Kids Story Maker (This is a great version with single words and phrases to get things started.)

Tell Tale by Blue Orange Games (They also make Spot It.)

Creative Storytelling: Choosing, Inventing, & Sharing Tales for Children by Jack Maguire

Show Me a Story: Writing Your Own Picture Book (Writer’s Toolbox) by Nancy Loewen

Show Me a Story: Why Picture Books Matter: Conversations with 21 of the World’s Most Celebrated Illustrators by Leonard S. Marcus

And one more possibility. Look for storytelling notebooks. Most have room for drawings at the top and lined paper at the bottom for writing the story. Another version to consider is the comic book/manga format. Comic stores and art supply houses have various options. Great for travel activities.

December Resources

Chicago Tribune articles: Lighting a spark to encourage storytelling

Storytelling in the Classroom

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carrie was born, raised and attended university in Michigan. As a child she rode bikes and explored her rural neighborhood freely with siblings and neighbor kids. Mom and Dad never worried. The kids always made it home after hours wading in the creek and climbing trees in the woods. After college she moved to Kyoto, Japan to study traditional Japanese woodblock printing. In 1995, she began a career at a small Chicago firm designing maps and information graphics. Life brought a move to Northampton in 2001. Carrie completed her MFA at UMass in 2004. Her little love, Sophia, was born in 2005. The two live in downtown Northampton where they constantly make things, look forward to morning walks to school and plan each spring for additions to their plot at the community garden. Carrie is a licensed family care provider and continues to do freelance work for clients in Chicago.

Hindsight Parenting: Five Christmas Wishes

December 18, 2012 at 12:00 pm (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Christmas, Motherhood, Parenting, relationships, Teens

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Our friend, Hindsight has been really busy this season. He is working overtime reminding me of the mistakes I made over the many Christmases with my sons. He’s reminded me of the ridiculous pickles I had gotten myself into, and the misery irrationally placed upon me because of perceived have-to’s and should-do’s. And like the loyal friend that he is, he has taught me much this season, or I should say he has taught me much ABOUT the season; what it is and what it isn’t. He’s reminded me that Christmas means magic and love and togetherness. It means traditions and family and bustle and wishes, most of all wishes. I’d like to share the wisdom Hindsight has imparted to me over these past few weeks, and because he tells me that those Christmas wishes are an integral part of the season, I’ve decided to pass on his knowledge in the form of a wish list for you… Read the rest of this entry »

5 Tips to Help Children Handle Tragic News

December 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm (Bill Corbett, Contributing Writer)
Tags: Connecticut, Newtown, Parenting, Parenting Tips, Resources, Sandy Hook Elementary School, Support, western massachusetts

20 Little Christmas Angels from Newtown, CT Were Welcomed into Heaven

If you are looking for a place to be alone with your sorrow, Williamsburg Angel Park welcomes you (tucked behind the Williamsburg Grange off of Route 9). It is a central place that can be use to gather with a small group or to spend time alone. There are benches and a flat stone wall for sitting too. Thank you to Donna Baldwin for this suggestion. – To find out about other gathering opportunities for parents/adults to share in this loss, check out this post on Hilltown Families Facebook Page for announcements. (Photo credit: Sienna Wildfield)

Tragedy happens all around us, but when it involves innocent children there are few words that can express the pain any caring person feels. This week, a shooter took the lives of 20 innocent school children including several teachers and staff members at a small town school in Connecticut. That means Heaven accepted 20 new little angels this morning. If your own children haven’t heard about it, they most likely will. Here are some tips on how to help your children handle the news of this unthinkable tragedy.

First and foremost it’s important that you settle any fears your children may have. They are torn between the worlds of fantasy and reality, so it may be very difficult for them to tell the difference between what is real and what isn’t. Make every effort to listen to them carefully and with 100% of your attention. It is important that you help them feel safe and calm. Sometimes they may fear that what happened to the children at this school will happen to them.
Minimize (if not eliminate) any news coverage or discussion about the tragedy. The less they hear about it the better it will be for them. Refrain from having the news on when they are present at home or in the car while you’re driving. Too much exposure will overwhelm them and generate more fearful feelings that it could come to their school.
Allow yourself to grieve privately. Your children look to you and your feelings as a guide on how they should feel. If you are feeling sad about this event and they notice, your children will feel sadder. Allow yourself to grieve in private, away from your children. Allow a friend or family member to stay with your children while you find the time to be alone to let your feelings out about this tragedy. Avoid keeping it all bottled up inside.
Take measures to pull your family closer together over the next few days. Cancel less important activities and create family time to help your child feel more loved. Take measures to feel gratitude that this did not happen to your family and hold and love your children a little more than usual. It will help to further settle your child’s fears and help you deal with the sadness we are all feeling about this tragic event.
Finally, use this occurrence to be sure that you are taking all possible measures to ensure your child’s safety where ever she goes. It is doubtful that the families who lost children in this massacre could have done anything different to avoid what happened. But tragedies come in all forms so take a closer look at all possible risks that could affect your child’s safety and well being.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bill Corbett

Bill is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show Creating Cooperative Kids. He is a Western Mass native and grew up in the Northampton area. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill’s practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three, and resides in the area with his loving wife Elizabeth and teen step daughter Olivia. You can learn more about Bill and his work at www.CooperativeKids.com.

8 Tips for Happier Holidays with Your Kids

December 12, 2012 at 6:00 am (Bill Corbett, Contributing Writer)
Tags: Holidays, Parenting, Parenting Tips, western massachusetts

8 Tips for Happier Holidays with Your kids

Remind yourself about the true meaning of the holidays; it’s not about having the perfect family. A big mistake parents make is remembering the holidays from their childhood and trying to recreate them today.

It’s time once again to begin preparing for the holidays and gearing up for family, fun and festivals. The kids will be getting excited and be at home for school vacation. Here are eight tips for ensuring a happier holiday season.

TIP No. 1: Good Behavior in Someone Else’s Home

At some point prior to arriving at someone else’s home for a holiday party, get to your child’s eye level and go over the rules for being at the party. You may even ask them to explain the rules to you and don’t be surprised if they already know. Throughout the event, acknowledge them every time you witness the behavior you want. If their behavior has been a problem in the past, tell them there will be a consequence to bad behavior and that consequence will be leaving the party. If you choose this option, be ready to implement it immediately, and don’t punish them. The punishment is the departure itself and your complete silence on the drive home.

TIP No. 2: Reduce the Toys and Gifts

A few weeks before the holiday season arrives, allow your child to lead an activity to thin out the usable toys and clothes they already have and then donate them to a local charity. Let your child have as much participation in the process, especially the delivery to the donation center. Commit to buying your children less toys. Too many can create visual chaos and excess stimulation, and certainly do not teach crucial lessons of moderation and limits.

TIP No. 3: Take Care of Yourself

When you become stressed over the holidays, your appearance of being frantic and frazzled will be felt by the children and they too will begin to simulate it in their own way. Take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries. You need extra rest, exercise, and healthy eating, ingredients for greater self-control and patience.

TIP No. 4: Teach Children Gratitude

Make it a priority to get your family involved in a giving exercise this holiday season. Donate your time to volunteer for a charitable organization by wrapping gifts for a gift collection agency, delivering a meal to a homebound elder, or serving the hungry at a soup kitchen. This act of compassion will remain with your children for a very long time. During the Thanksgiving holiday, my family and I would prepare and deliver a meal to an elderly person living alone. I’ll never forget the year we delivered our dinner to an elderly lady who was so grateful for our gift, she cried as we left. My son was silent as we drove away and he had tears welling in his eyes.

TIP No. 5: Don’t Over Schedule

During the holidays we automatically think about wanting to connect and be with family and friends. But if past holidays have not been fond memories because of over scheduling, reconsider your plans for this year and commit to simplifying the family calendar or take a vacation away from home. This move may require having to say no to some invitations or changing routines. One family we connect with often makes it a point to avoid the holiday rush. They plan plenty of get-togethers throughout the year and then travel during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.

TIP No. 6: Set Realistic Expectations for the Kids

Let’s face it; November and December are exciting times for the kids and stressful or busy times for you. This guarantees that your children are going to behave differently and it will be a challenge getting them to cooperate and remain calm. Clarify your boundaries and rules and be patient when their excitement gets in the way. Remind yourself about the true meaning of the holidays; it’s not about having the perfect family. A big mistake parents make is remembering the holidays from their childhood and trying to recreate them today.

TIP No. 7: Create the Reverence of New Traditions

Participating in family traditions that were passed down can be fun and exciting, but it can also add to the stress of the holidays when it means having to recreate complex meals, trips, and events that originally belonged to someone else. Take bold steps to create new traditions for your immediate family that will leave lasting impressions, regardless of how simple they might be. When my children were young, we started a new tradition of allowing the kids to open one gift on Christmas Eve. We intentionally gave them new pajamas in this one special gift and they would be the pajamas they would wear to bed that night. Each year after that, I came up with fun and creative ways of disguising the gift to keep them guessing, because they knew what they would find in the packages. Creating new and fun traditions and faithfully celebrating them each year with consistency will teach your children how to do it themselves when they have families of their own.

TIP No. 8: Be the Person You Want Your Children to Be

Finally, there is no better way to teach your children how to enjoy the holidays than to demonstrate being the person you want them to be. The most powerful training your children will ever have is the observations they make of your behavior on a daily basis. Work hard to remain calm and loving throughout the holidays. When you find yourself on the threshold of an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior, ask yourself if what you’re about to say or do will bring your family closer together, or create more distance. Being close of course, is what the holidays are all about!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bill Corbett

Hindsight Parenting: Learning & Practicing What Not to Do

December 4, 2012 at 10:00 am (Contributing Writer, Hindsight Parenting, Logan Fisher)
Tags: Motherhood, Parenting, relationships, Teens

The Experience of Hindsight

Hindsight. It isn’t just for parents who have raised children for 10-20 years. It really is a super power that ANYONE can have. Making friends with and becoming wise because of Hindsight can happen to each and every human who has ever made a mistake or has been dissatisfied with any aspect of their lives. John Reyes once said, “Over the last few years my education was not from books, it wasn’t from some fancy Ivy League School masters degree program; it came from my own personal experiences which were costly…but priceless in things I learned.” I am sure that Reyes, in this quote, was talking about my friend Hindsight. You see we have all experienced things were not proud of, not fond of, things we wish we could have done over. It is that EXPERIENCE that brings Hindsight to our front door. And if we are lucky enough to have the universe hand us a situation where we can choose differently, where we can be wiser, where we can look back upon what didn’t work and do things that will work instead, then we should consider ourselves very lucky. Very lucky indeed, because it is within these moments in which we gain a modicum of wisdom and, yes, maturity as well.

This is the sort of experience that I was faced with Tuesday night when my presence was summoned to a certain institution because choices made by a beloved son. He was in trouble, real trouble and as I quickly changed out of my pajamas and threw on a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt it dawned on me that I had no compass as far as how to act, what to do, what to say when I arrived and laid eyes upon him. Should I be supportive, emotional, firm, rejecting? How? How should one act towards her child when he’s acted without though, putting him and others at risk?

Dealing with Hindsight as much as I have, I recognized that familiar “no compass” feeling as a sign that somewhere deep in the recesses of my cavernous soul, I knew that I didn’t want to act in the way that I was “taught.” My upbringing was one in which you never brought shame upon your family. That making a consummate mistake would be enough for one to be cut off. Aunts, uncles, even a grandmother was held at bay and sometimes never seen because their choices and life styles were deemed not good enough or perhaps not worthy of familial fuzzies. Being at the stinging end of these rejections for immature and reputation damaging choices that I had made, I knew that hurt and damage that complete and utter rejection could cause. What’s more, the message that that rejection sent was one in which the reject felt that they were and would always be the sum total of those mistakes; nothing else, not flesh, not bone, not good deeds or intelligence, not talent, not human….just bad choices worthy of rejection. And as I drove towards the institution that I had been summoned to, I was sure, absolutely sure that I didn’t want to act like that. My son has troubles, makes poor choices, sometimes seems like he is drowning in anger and rage, but his sum total is much much more than this turbulent time. And yet, familial learning is so deeply entrenched that Hindsight may be able to help you know what you DON’T want to do, but it may not be able to help you with what you DO want to do.

So before I entered the building in which my son sat clearly troubled, clearly IN trouble, Hindsight reminded me that although HE may not know how I should act, someone that I had in my life was ALWAYS willing to help shape and mold me and give me a compass that always seemed to point me in the correct direction. So despite the late hour, I dialed her number, presented my dilemma and she, as usual, lovingly, patiently and firmly pulled me up by my bootstraps and gave me concrete directions on what my role as his mother needed to be. So I turned off the ignition, blew my nose and wiped my tear streaked face. I took a deep breath and walked up the ramp with Hindsight’s hand on the center of my back and my right hand firmly squeezed into my husband’s left hand. The automatic doors swooshed open, I was ushered into a room to find a crumbling son seated in a chair. Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s Play: Simple Play at the Table

November 21, 2012 at 6:00 am (Carrie St. John, Contributing Writer)
Tags: Commercial Free, Creative Free Play, Hand Art, Non-Commercial, Parenting, Play, Thanksgiving

Where did all the play go? Am I the only parent that is mourning its loss?

The new math makes sense to me. I read Old Dogs, New Math: Homework Help for Puzzled Parents last winter after a friend with middle school aged children mentioned the math concepts coming my way. I like to be prepared. Current reading readiness makes sense. At first I was a bit surprised by the way letter formation and penmanship is introduced in kindergarten—broken down into simple strokes and marks—no letters. I came from the generation of blue, lined practice paper with dashes mid way to mark the height of lower care letters and teachers that loved red marks. I decided to watch and wait. It worked. So far I am on board and enjoying the elementary school experience with my daughter.

BUT. The new lack of recess time does not make sense to me. I know. I am about to use the “when I was a kid” story opener. In my hometown of 10,000 in rural Michigan, we had recess three times a day. Fresh air, running, swinging, jump rope, four square, tag, climbing tunnels, slides and kickball during sun, drizzle and cold. They even allowed us to run around and play good guys vs. bad guys. Play and social time. We had routines (which many children thrive on) that moved us throughout the day from math to reading to recess to music to lunch to recess to art to science to recess and gym. Concentrated times to focus on classroom tasks and ample time to run and be kids. Recess is down to once a day during the short lunch break. Some classrooms are lucky enough to earn extra outside time with a reward system based on classroom behavior. Generally children have only 15 to 20 minutes of free play during a six hour day.

There are many reasons for the cut backs in recess time. Curriculum requirements seem to be at the top of the list along with those tests every one mumbles about. There are many studies out there that I have yet to read and theories I add to my research pile each year. I have read on the importance of play and its POSITIVE impact on all areas of learning. I have yet to come across an article telling how bad play is for children. Play causes enjoyment while promoting creativity, socialization, storytelling, reasoning, working out solutions in play situations with peers and simple fun. All these things and more enhance day to day learning. There is no need to mention how much easier it can be for children and adults to focus on a set task after a bit of exercise and fun. You can get the wiggles out and then tackle a book with new vocabulary or a complicated word problem.

I am not looking for a set answer. The world has changed. Children have changed. I just think it is important to take notice of our children, their school days and their play.

“… children are not one-dimensional, nor does their development proceed along a well-defined path. Everything we add to the mix along with play further advances learning. Drawing, clay, books, music, games and dance suggest but a few areas of enrichment. However, it is the child’s ability to play in a sustained manner that makes sense to other children, which opens the gates to all other pathways.” —Sara Smilansky, research in academic readiness

We can all add play into our lives at home but our time at home is filling up. Art and music exposure is limited at school as well as other enrichment offerings. Can today’s parent squeeze all this in at home to compensate for things lost during the busy school day and still maintain a calm household? I am trying. Play is important at our house. The trick is making it part of the home routine while avoiding the over scheduled household crazies.

November Collections and Projects

This month our collections are easy for some simple play at the table. Grab the paints, markers, crayons, paper and pencils. If you happen to have feathers and goggle eyes, put those out with the glue. Make hand turkeys. Have the kids sign and date them. We make one each year and save it. Very fun to compare the version from November 2005 when my daughter was just a month old to this year’s version done completely solo. When she was so tiny, I painted each finger a different color with non-toxic tempera paints. Her palm was painted brown and I pressed it into the paper. Turkey print. Clean up was easy with a few baby wipes. After it was dry, I added a beak, eye and legs with a black marker. The waddle was done in red marker.

For those of you that like to play with your food, pick up a few extra apples for apple turkeys. This link was sent to me by a family friend after I sent out a Facebook post encouraging everyone to make hand turkeys this month. An excellent sculpture. She made a similar apple turkey as a child. The supply list might include tooth picks, marshmallows, raisins, cranberries and gum drops in addition to the apple. An updated version might have kale or spinach for tail feathers mixed with carrot or celery sticks, a date for a head and dried blueberry eyes with a carrot waddle. Maybe some popcorn feathers. Admire him a bit, take a photo and then have a healthy snack. A perfect use for those delicious, local Honey Crisp apples.

Two ideas that encourage my favorite kid activities—art making and fun food. Have fun and enjoy your kids.

November Resources:

A Child’s Work: The Importance of Fantasy Play by Vivian Gussin Paley

Family Fun Magazine. Each month they have great ideas for play.

Hand Art (Chicken Socks)

Old Dogs, New Math: Homework Help for Puzzled Parents by Mike Askew and Rob Eastaway

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Carrie was born, raised and attended university in Michigan. As a child she rode bikes and explored her rural neighborhood freely with siblings and neighbor kids. Mom and Dad never worried. The kids always made it home after hours wading in the creek and climbing trees in the woods. After college she moved to Kyoto, Japan to study traditional Japanese woodblock printing. In 1995, she began a career at a small Chicago firm designing maps and information graphics. Life brought a move to Northampton in 2001. Carrie completed her MFA at UMass in 2004. Her little love, Sophia, was born in 2005. The two live in downtown Northampton where they constantly make things, look forward to morning walks to school and plan each spring for additions to their plot at the community garden. Carrie is a licensed family care provider and continues to do freelance work for clients in Chicago.